a.

this perfect day felt earned.

d.

We are strolling, barefoot, when we pass a gaunt garden admid the parking lots. I, ahead of you, see her first: a small withering flower nestled safe within her leaf walls. A brief glace of her inward disposition and battered state rise my compassions; instantaneously  I'm identifying with her desire to hide away unnoticed, as to not disappoint expectant onlookers. After such thought and feeling,  I move to continue walking, making no mention of my bosom flower, safe within leaves I wish were my own.  And yet, upon noticing her, you slow and say, "Oh, no need to give up. It truly isn't so terrible..." And look to me for affirmation, tying a tiny verbal question mark to your closing remark: "all she's needing is some motivation."  Inwardly I add, "...and someone to have faith in her."  

D.

For He to be noticed increasingly more, and I continually less. 

d.

Cigarettes and hardcover poetry: a most pleasant indulgence. 

a.

i'm going to really miss how life is right now, the ignorance of tomorrow.
i started thinking about how this came to be and how happy that makes me.
how i could have never planned for this year.
and that makes me wonder why i ever question god's plan. 
for the road leads home. 

d.

Today is a Jack Johnson day.

And I'm glad,

 because my insides have been bruised for two weeks. 

I'm glad for a little ointment that 

soothes rather than stings.

(Did you know you have to break houses in

 as if they were a pair of shoes?

I didn't. )

D.

An excess of imprints.


From the docks of apathy 

  feet too big for

  shoes 

  suspend from ends of legs,

  bound

  by frozen lake.

Nuisance: the universal mistake. 

  

d.

"won't you come on home? we'll test the flying machine, and we'll go where you want. we'll sail the seven seas. "

Whatever home is, i'm sure it embodies some particular state of being: an old speed of breathing, a sense of unending experimentation, a  forgiveness that makes your hands smell like soil, as if  you were gardening - quite like the breath before a sun-kiss.

I miss the me I was with you, out in the front of the school, with my red scarf tied over my head, helping you with your lines, pretending to be in a play. The me who decide that when i die i'd like to be burned and then buried under a newly planted tree.

So, all there is to say now is -  fuck you. Fuck you and all we've been through, friend. You've been on my mind these past few days. And because of that i am grateful and blessed.

   (my memories of you are memories of being alive. alive with young innocent hope.)

all my love,

mandy

D.

Let there be light. 

 (a fast write)

Let there be light forever spraying from your feet and eyelashes. So that in your being you may see clearer than you do (clearer than most).

Let there be light to wash those corners of your mind you hide from. To shine and remind you that they exist differently from how you remember. That they breathe good sometimes and that the soot coating your teddy bears came from the days before we found you.

Let there be light found upon your fingernails. The kind of light that increases life and all pure love. Light that could provide you with the bravery to be alone in a healing unfamiliar happiness.

Let there be light erupting from the memories you find that lace your skin. Release the light so that it may release you from her abandonment. 

You love her. You will forever. I promise.

She is your darkness, but, if you'd let (- oh please darling, I say so because I know) she could be your light. 

A.

cheers from my library nook to yours. 

D.

a.

we wept together in that dark room. and i knew then, that this is far greater than friendship. 

d.

Bring me your leftover Jello,
              and I'll refrigerate it for you.

Bring me your morning mouth,
              and I'll loan you my toothbrush.

Bring me your uncut hair,
              and I'll cut however much you'd like.

Bring me your tangled mind,
              and I'll help you roll it into a ball of yarn
          
             from which you can knit yourself a hat
             to wear when you are out (and it is cold).
             Where formation is demanded of thoughts
             and opinions are only strong if static.
                          But:
                               when you come home
                           there will be a peg for you
                        to hang your hat alongside mine.
                     So both our tangled minds can drink tea
                             and breathe deeply in an
                              unguarded authenticity.

D.

Guide Me into an Unclenched Moment
             ( Ted Loder )

Gentle me,
Holy one,
into an unclenched moment,
 a deep breath,
   a letting go,
     of heavy expectancies,
        of shriveling anxieties,
          of dead certainties,
that, softened by the silence,
  surrounded by the light,
    and open to the mystery,
I may be found by wholeness
  upheld by the unfathomable,
    entranced by the simple,
       and filled with the joy
          that is you.

d.

D.

For Rose

(a summer reminisce) 

I sing,

and you laugh

as we dance around the kitchen.

My blue skirt floats about my ankles.

Your smile,

creates similar tickles.

I feel life.

It swells inside my chest

and I laugh from pure happiness.

I feel you in the other room,

seated on the piano bench.

And while I slice zucchini, I sway to your music.

I am most blessed to have you,

Sister. 

A.

i miss the world that used to care about my hopes and dreams, where practical didn't matter, where i could spend my money on happiness.

i miss the little me that felt like she had nothing to lose.

where i believed in the best of people. 

i miss the days of parks, barefoot summers and neighborhood friends. where happiness existed in my own imagination. 

i miss the days when i had a sister.